Friday, January 24, 2014

A Struggle

I'm struggling with this new mom thing. My fierce independence has always been a core component of my personality. I was a stay at home wife before Eli. I had the luxury of time to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Now I am NEVER alone. I get no time to myself, no moments to just be me. I'm struggling with a complete lack of identity, coupled with a huge blow to my self esteem now that there is no time for a haircut, an eye appointment or even a shower, not to mention the baby weight. I haven't been to therapy in months and I used to go at least once a week. Sometimes twice. I used to sleep. Oh how I miss consecutive sleep. 

It's hard with no family or friends able to help. NJhusband is great, but he is gone 12 hours a day and it's just different for men I think. Or maybe it's just different for the member of the household that gets to step away to work 5 days a week. He talks to people, he sees the world every day. His landscape is different daily. 

I feel guilty for the struggle. I have a happy, healthy baby boy. I thought I would feel fulfilled and I feel....lost. I am struggling with how to let go of my previous self. 

I wish my baby books had talked about this. 


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