Friday, October 11, 2013

Due Date

My due date is Sunday. At my doctor's appointment this week we discovered I had not made ANY progress in a week. None. To say I was bummed is the understatement of the year. I'm so un-progressed that I'm not even a good candidate for induction at this point, so we discussed our options and for now, we will wait another week and re-evaluate. 

That was about the time I broke down in tears while attempting to cover myself with the Bounty select-a-size paper towel they give you. 

I hung in there for over a year without anxiety meds, 10 plus months without wine and the limit on coffee, I thought the end was near and now it seems like it is not.  I just broke. I know that giving him more time to come on his own is the right and logical decision, but it is hard. I've had 2 full blown panic attacks in the past week and have regressed on the progress I had made being with NJhusband in the car. The anxiety has completely overtaken my daily thinking and at any given moment I am one event or word away from either a panic attack and/or full blown ugly cry. 

But waiting is what's best for him thus far so I have to just hang in there. Some big decisions will have to be made if I have still not progressed by my 41.5 week appointment next week. If he needs to be evicted we need to decide if anxiety wise an induction or a c-section is the best course for my particular situation. Bad induction candidate, plus severe anxiety is leading me to consider a scheduled cesarean, even though I know it's the riskier of the two and not the choice my doctor recommends. It just feels like the best path, but maybe that is the fear talking. I truly don't know anymore. 

I need to hold on to hope that he comes on his own in the next week and lets me off the hook with this decision. 

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