Monday, October 28, 2013


- I miss my wedding rings. They still don't fit after having Eli and I'm terrified they will never go back on. One of them is an infinity band and I'm not sure it can easily (if at all!) be re-sized. 

- I find myself having carseat phobia. Every picture anyone ever posts on social media of their kid in a carseat gets the carseat mom-fia in a tizzy and I'm terrified of doing it wrong. Also, he is so teeny, I'm afraid of hurting him or getting it too tight. Eventually I will have to do it, but for now NJhusband is on carseat duty.

- This lack of sleep thing is no joke, yet I still can't force myself into bed when the baby is sleeping. Also both NJhusband and I are sleeping with our glasses on so that we can look over easily at the baby and make sure he is still breathing in the middle of the night. We are SOOO first timers.

- The fancy Cuisinart coffee maker NJhusband bought me as my "push" er rather c-section present is a gamer changer. It completely changes the flavor of the coffee for the better. It makes amazeballs coffee. 

- I need to take more pictures of Eli. Between feeding, changing and attempting to get him to sleep, I haven't snapped as many pics of him as I'd like. Major photo bomb coming soon, I promise!

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Week 1

I can't believe Eli is a week old already. The lack of sleep is no joke, but manageable for the most part. Neither NJhusband nor I is good at the whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" thing, but I imagine after awhile you get so exhausted that you  just flop over when he falls asleep. 

We had our first outing to the pediatrician and patted ourselves on the back for not being late the first time out with the baby. We even managed to get to my follow-up doctor's appointment to get my staples removed EARLY, but no worries, we have no visions of grandeur that our on time streak will continue. 

NJhusband is home for three weeks which is a GODSEND. He has taken over 90% of Eli's needs. I am still recovering from the c-section and find it hard to hold Eli for long periods and am restricted from driving, bending and lifting.  The restrictions and likely some residual hormones cause me to have meltdowns at least once a day that "OMG I'm a terrible mother who can't hold her child" so there is a fair bit of time spent bawling on the floor of the nursery to be had. I've also cried over the fact that my feet are elephant-like due to the fluids they pump you with during surgery, as well as not having comfortable underwear. 

It's still hard to think of myself as someone's mom. It feels a bit like he is a super cute, yet demanding houseguest. Still though, I think we'll keep him. lol

Wednesday, October 23, 2013



Born October 18 via c-section.

7lbs 3oz and 20 inches of perfection

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Eviction Day

It looks like this little guy is going to be born TOMORROW! We are on the schedule for a c-section. 

I had a non stress test today and had a MASSIVE panic attack during it (the irony is not lost on me) which just solidified for everyone the need to go with a scheduled c-section. I feel at peace with the decision and truly think it is the right choice for my situation. 

Now I have less than 24 hours to process this, sleep and prepare my house. Let the games begin!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Decisions Decisions

Tomorrow we head to the doctor to discuss this little one's exit strategy. I wish I could say I was emotionally ready, but I'm just....depressed. The panic attacks are now a daily (sometimes more!) occurrence and the anxiety over labor has completely taken my joy. We are going to discuss the options with my doctor, but a scheduled c-section was previously offered up and may be the route we end up going. At this point with the anxiety and depression building, I don't know that I could make it through labor. We need more info from the doctor and hopefully we will get some answers at tomorrow's appointment. 

All wishes thoughts and prayers would be MUCH appreciated. 

Monday, October 14, 2013


I am over due and sooooo over it.

It's 1:30am and I'm awake because I'm having some discomfort, but I don't think it's contractions. It just feels like someone is tightening a belt underneath my breasts and it's uncomfortable. Basically my days (and nights) are filled with various discomforts no matter what position I am in. 

I know that eventually he will come...either on his own or through some method of coercion. So until then I must wait. 

I'm thinking of implementing a fine system like the library for him....for every hour he is late he owes me a dollar. 

Too much?

Friday, October 11, 2013

Due Date

My due date is Sunday. At my doctor's appointment this week we discovered I had not made ANY progress in a week. None. To say I was bummed is the understatement of the year. I'm so un-progressed that I'm not even a good candidate for induction at this point, so we discussed our options and for now, we will wait another week and re-evaluate. 

That was about the time I broke down in tears while attempting to cover myself with the Bounty select-a-size paper towel they give you. 

I hung in there for over a year without anxiety meds, 10 plus months without wine and the limit on coffee, I thought the end was near and now it seems like it is not.  I just broke. I know that giving him more time to come on his own is the right and logical decision, but it is hard. I've had 2 full blown panic attacks in the past week and have regressed on the progress I had made being with NJhusband in the car. The anxiety has completely overtaken my daily thinking and at any given moment I am one event or word away from either a panic attack and/or full blown ugly cry. 

But waiting is what's best for him thus far so I have to just hang in there. Some big decisions will have to be made if I have still not progressed by my 41.5 week appointment next week. If he needs to be evicted we need to decide if anxiety wise an induction or a c-section is the best course for my particular situation. Bad induction candidate, plus severe anxiety is leading me to consider a scheduled cesarean, even though I know it's the riskier of the two and not the choice my doctor recommends. It just feels like the best path, but maybe that is the fear talking. I truly don't know anymore. 

I need to hold on to hope that he comes on his own in the next week and lets me off the hook with this decision. 

Saturday, October 5, 2013

39 Weeks

39 is the number that comes right before 40. Like 7 days before 40.


Had my check up on Friday. I have some signs of progress, but like most things I discovered throughout pregnancy, it can either mean nothing or mean something. I had some contractions Friday but nothing regular or terribly uncomfortable. 

My doctor doesn't let you go much past your due date so that means this kid has about 10 days before eviction. I am pretty open minded when it comes to a "birth plan" but the one thing I wanted to avoid was being induced. I have my fingers and toes crossed he decides to come before the eviction.  

The labor/delivery/hospital anxiety has kicked in FULL FORCE. Unfortunately my reaction to stress is to stop eating and sleeping, neither of which are particularly desirable pregnancy behaviors. I actually lost weight this week compared to my appointment last week so I need to be a more conscious eater. 

Come on little guy, be a control freak like your mama and choose your own birth date!

I'm Not the Only One

A friend recently sent me a link to a New York Times article titled "Pregnant, Pill Free and Panicked"

Well if that doesn't describe me perfectly then I don't know what does. In consultation with my doctors, I chose to go off all anxiety meds 6 months before trying to conceive so I would have a clean system before we started trying. By the time he is born I will have been off all meds for over a year and a half and it has been a tough road. I switched from psychotherapy to a cognitive behavior therapy, which helped a lot, but was an extremely slow process. My hope is to continue both a drug therapy and the behavior therapy after he is born. I have never been able to do both simultaneously and am hopeful that will be the right combination for me. 

I always just assumed I would have kids, but never gave much thought to the actual being pregnant or labor aspects. Denial is a fabulous land if you haven't visited it yourself. My therapist says I should feel proud of not letting the anxiety win and keep me from having the life I want, but it feels a little reckless to just leap into pregnancy and hope it works out in the end. The "end" is near and there isn't much else I can do but leap. 

As the writer of the article says, living with anxiety prepares you for the parental anxiety you will live with likely for the rest of your life. 

I consider myself QUITE well prepared then. Talk about a silver lining. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Small, but Fine.

We had our growth scan check on the baby this week. Based on their calculations he is estimated to be around 7 pounds exactly. A tad small for full-term, but within the normal, healthy range. 

So now we wait for him to choose his birth day where we can measure him in person. His head is down, but not "in position" yet so he is showing no signs of wanting to come out. I'm simultaneously thankful and bummed. 

Any guesses on his date of birth and weight? I'm going with 7 pounds 7 ounces and October 11!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

October Birth Day

My due date is in 12 days. 

I don't think I have fully wrapped my head around the fact that life is going to massively change in less than 2 weeks. 

It is a strange feeling to be waiting around for your body to do something major. I second guess every feeling. I expect every tummy gurgle, kick in the ribs or discomfort to mean something is happening. That this is IT. 

Then comes the sheer terror that something is GOING to happen. This kid is going to exit and it is likely not going to be pleasant for me. Some moments I find a peace in the fact that labor and delivery and the scary hospital part is going to happen and then it will be over and done with and other moments I'm in tears from pure panic (and likely some hormones). 

I think I'm in denial a great deal of the time. I mean there is a room in my house for another person, but I still haven't fully wrapped my head around the fact that I'm adding another human to the planet that NJhusband and I will be fully responsible for. 

First things first though I suppose. He needs to pick his birth day and I need to emotionally survive his arrival. 

Then I'll worry about raising him. At least the raising him part comes with coffee and wine.