Saturday, December 22, 2012


I decorated our home, put up a tree and will host a Christmas Eve brunch before flying to my parents house in Phoenix on Christmas day, but I'm finding it hard to have the Christmas spirit this year.

I didn't want to fly to Phoenix this year. I should want to see my elderly grandmother. I should be excited to see my nephew for the first time. I should be happy to spend time in a place warm enough to swim outside on Christmas day. I want to WANT to be excited. Instead I'm filled with fear and anxiety.

The awful thing about my particular brand of anxiety is that if I was flying alone I would have no problem going. I'm not afraid to fly. Before I was married I traveled the world and took photographs. I just can't be around people I know, even NJhusband. My therapist says I need to let go of the idea that I need to be perfect at all times. I know she is right, but it is so ingrained into me that I don't even have the awareness that I'm doing it. She suspects it comes from my thoughts on being adopted. What is more perfect than a newborn baby, with all 10 fingers and all 10 toes, too new to have ever made a mistake? I wasn't wanted then (in my head), so how can I be wanted now, 33 years later with a few decades of wrongdoings under my belt. Certainly not practical thinking, but anxiety doesn't tend to hang out in the reality part of the brain.

I had hoped this year would bring NJhusband and I news of a baby, but it hasn't happened for us yet so 2012 seems like the ultimate in failure for me. Another spirit crasher.

I am too hard on myself, I know, another thing I pay a therapist to remind me of weekly. I wish I could bottle the feeling I get when I leave her office every Wednesday. For a few hours I feel hopeful and strong. I think that is a good sign though. I wasn't getting that feeling anymore with my former therapist, so at least I can acknowledge the progress.

In less than 48 hours I need to tap into my holiday spirit. I need to stand up to the anxiety so I can enjoy my family, the sun, a trip with my husband funded by my generous parents.

Nothing says holiday spirit like telling anxiety to go f*ck itself. LOL

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