Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Blahs

I have a great husband. I'm a SAHW with no kids, which is an incredible luxury I don't take for granted, but I still feel.....blah these days and I don't know how to snap out of it.

I have battled anxiety and panic disorder for years now. I got off all meds in order to TTC and I'm struggling.  I've never really felt like my therapist was entirely helpful, but I'm too nice/wimpy etc. to break it off and find someone new. We are embarking on a road trip to see my nephew soon and I'm completely freaking out about being away from home for so long, as well as leaving Puppy Boy for the first time and I'm handling it all by completely ignoring the fact that it's coming up soon and not acknowledging that I need to make plans and reservations.

I have envy guilt. My sister is 8 years younger than I am, got married first, had the first grandchild...We have never been close and I guess I thought as we got older we would grow closer, but I'm always trailing behind her and feel like I'm just never going to catch up. She did all the important "firsts" in our family and I feel like anything I do is less special. And yes, I feel like a complete jerk for feeling this way.

I'm lonely. I don't have many friends in the area and because of my panic disorder I have major social anxiety so making new friends is nearly impossible.

So I find myself stuck in the blahs and no way out.

Blah. Just....blah.

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