Friday, September 21, 2012

The Blahs: Update

I still have a bit of the blahs, but I did find rejuvenating powers in a soak in my whirlpool tub with the jets on and a new library book. I'm researching a new therapist (oh the fun THAT is) and hoping maybe a new perspective can help. I've LONG thought my current one hasn't been all that helpful, but never cared enough to take the plunge to find someone else. Finding a new therapist is all the worst parts of dating rolled into 1, plus you always have to pay.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Blahs

I have a great husband. I'm a SAHW with no kids, which is an incredible luxury I don't take for granted, but I still feel.....blah these days and I don't know how to snap out of it.

I have battled anxiety and panic disorder for years now. I got off all meds in order to TTC and I'm struggling.  I've never really felt like my therapist was entirely helpful, but I'm too nice/wimpy etc. to break it off and find someone new. We are embarking on a road trip to see my nephew soon and I'm completely freaking out about being away from home for so long, as well as leaving Puppy Boy for the first time and I'm handling it all by completely ignoring the fact that it's coming up soon and not acknowledging that I need to make plans and reservations.

I have envy guilt. My sister is 8 years younger than I am, got married first, had the first grandchild...We have never been close and I guess I thought as we got older we would grow closer, but I'm always trailing behind her and feel like I'm just never going to catch up. She did all the important "firsts" in our family and I feel like anything I do is less special. And yes, I feel like a complete jerk for feeling this way.

I'm lonely. I don't have many friends in the area and because of my panic disorder I have major social anxiety so making new friends is nearly impossible.

So I find myself stuck in the blahs and no way out.

Blah. Just....blah.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Fix It-gate 2012

For the past several winters NJhusband and I have had issues with our heating system/hot water. The issue being, we didn't have any. One person could get a hot shower a day, as long as you didn't run the dishwasher, washing machine or have the heat on that day. As the person who wakes up second in the household, I was never the recipient of the hot shower. Every year we would suffer through the winter and then have cold shower amnesia and decide it "wasn't that bad" and not get it fixed in the (cheaper) off season. Finally this summer we decided to do it. We got several quotes, did a ton of research and chose a contractor. 

Then came the list of "other" stuff. We've always wanted 2 more outlets outside....how about a water spigot...our ceiling fan doesn't work, why don't we get a new motor for the whirlpool tub, the roof needs a new drain, the hot water to the washing machine doesn't work. The list seemed to grow daily. We got a bid for it all and decided to dive in and just get it all done. We signed the paperwork, scheduled a day to do it, put the dog in daycare for the day and were ready.

Construction day came. They broke the light switch in my bedroom. Bought a replacement that didn't match the existing switches. The plumber disappeared after 3 hours and was never heard from again. A HUGE deep scratch appeared on my kitchen table. I considered kicking them all out and buying blankets and a kettle. 

By the end of day 1 (it was supposed to be a 1 day job). I had one outlet and the new tank had been hung...in 10 hours and NO water. In order to get us water, they had to lug the OLD tank back in the house and hook it up, only when they did that, it didn't work. Finally we settled on having water, but no hot water. 

Day 2. Dog has to go BACK to daycare. Supposedly fired plumber from Day 1 shows up again. NJhusband stays home from work and guards the door so nobody mysteriously leaves. By the end of the day everything works and everything except for the roof is done. They knock off half the cost of my table for the scratch. They DO charge us for the replacement switch that THEY broke, but by that time I just want them out of my house so fine whatever. 

They SERIOUSLY need to consider putting construction projects in the marriage vows somewhere. 

Monday, September 10, 2012

Having Faith


Faith and hope have never been my strong points. I never thought I would find love and get married and here I am, in love and married. I never thought I would have a good relationship with my family and now that we've all grown a bit, we have made strides. There are so many elements to my life that I never thought would happen and they have and I hate that I wasted so much negative energy and thoughts on thinking they would never come. Why am I so hesitant to believe that good things will happen to me? Is it that I believe I don't deserve them? Maybe. 
My impatience comes from thinking good things will never come. I have an inability to healthfully deal with disappointment, so I avoid possibility. I believe I can't get pregnant until I do (and it sticks) and only then will I believe it was even a possibility in order to avoid being disappointed. NJhusband is so much better at keeping the faith than I am. I need a dose of that, but I don't know how to internalize it myself.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Nephew Update

AJ is officially a week old! He is blowing the doctors and nurses in the NICU away with his progress and we feel oh so blessed that he is as healthy as he is for coming almost 2 months early. He is still very fragile and needs to put some meat on his bones, but he took a bottle for the first time yesterday and is breathing completely on his own now. NJhusband and I plan to visit next month and meet him.

Here he is with my sister's husband: